...Things just aren't right. Guess they haven't been for a while either. I think when you're been known to be in such physical pain for months now, no one notices how much emotional pain you're feeling. But then again, smiling when you're not really happy is a good mask i suppose. I don't think anyone could really understand either how much emotional pain one person could be in, must take a lot when they have breakdowns every few days and can't cope. Must be bad deep down when you're trying so hard to change what you look like on the outside to make yourself proud, but that's just to mask the fact you know that you'll always be a rotten ugly person on the inside. You've always had demons in you and no amount of running miles or gym'ing to the max every weekday is going to help. People are still going to think you're 'poison' and 'toxic to be around'. I guess it shows im not worth anything that someone could do something so bad to someone they are meant to love and when they say sorry you know they don't mean it. Its just so you don't cause them any-more 'shit' that you're always thought to carry about with you. To be fair things have been broken for a while but it wasn't until the start of last month that i actually felt crippled, in the body and in the heart. Oh and my mind was mangled too but its always been kinda like that haha! I don't even know where im going with this, its not like anyone's going to listen or anyone's going to care. They never seem to think what i say is serious. Suppose all iv even been is an attention seeker right? I think iv completely lost myself and i don't know what to do to find myself again. Not like id want to be found to be truthful, im like smoke to talk to and like acid to touch, completely hazardous to myself and to others. Even if someone did want in to my world now, i don't think i could let anyone in any-more , not after what was done....but that doesn't matter. Im not letting myself get into thinking about that again. Its to much of a mind fuck to even-
And the worst part? I don't care if the emotion pain never goes, the real pain that's ruining any sanity i had left after the mental illness. Id feel blessed for the physical agony to go, for my body to not be a dick to me for once. But then again i need to rest it i guess and rest and forcing something into change does not go hand in hand. So guess im fucked from all sides. Im just exhausted with everything now. But for anyone who's mad enough to have read this, THANK YOU. That's more than iv got anyone to listen to me in the 18 years, 7 months and 16 days iv been alive. So from one fucked up being to another, over and out.